


Deny Everything -- Especially Pendrell's Death

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-07-31
Updated: 1998-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 08:09:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11331819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Humor. Pendrell isn't dead. He's resting...





	Deny Everything -- Especially Pendrell's Death

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Deny Everything--Especially Pendrell's Death by woodinat

Mon, 2 Mar 1998

Deny Everything--Especially Pendrell's Death  
by 

Rating: R, maybe NC-17, depends on your sensibilities  
Classification: M/K slash, humor  
Spoilers: Up to Terma  
Summary: Pendrell isn't dead. He's resting...  
Obligatory disclaimer: blah,blah, blah, Chris Carter, blah, blah, blah, 1013, blah, blah, blah, please don't sue me  
Big thanks to my unofficial beta readers CKing and Viridian5. Viridian's the one who came up with the term Zen Mole.

* * *

Deny Everything--Especially Pendrell's Death  
by 

Scully made sure to arrive at the office early. She had to do this before Mulder got there. She worked quickly and efficiently, grabbing the name plate from the desk. FOX MULDER was emblazoned on it, mocking her. She stuck a couple of strips of masking tape over the name and wrote DANA SCULLY in block letters. <Let's see how long it takes him to notice,> she thought, feeling very pleased with her handiwork.

A soft "ahem" brought her attention to the man sitting in the corner of the office. Scully peered into the shadows. She immediately recognized the leather jacket, prosthetic arm, and the long whiskers on the rat's face. Krycek.

"Krycek, what are you doing here?"

"I have very important information for you and Mulder."

Scully, ever the skeptical one, asked, "This isn't like the time you sent Mulder to that Babylon 5 convention and told him that the aliens were real? He grilled the hell out of those fans." 

Krycek grinned, "Hey, it was April Fools' Day. Is it my fault he's completely gullible when aliens are involved?" 

Just at that moment, Mulder entered the room. He saw Krycek and immediately rushed over to the rat, who stroked his whiskers and squeaked happily. They hugged, and started to kiss and cuddle.

Scully stiffened her shoulders. This always bothered her. Not that Krycek ended up being Mulder's best source of information since Krycek killed Marita Covarrubias in a jealous rage (and he hated blondes). Not that Mulder and Krycek suddenly became lovers after years of beating up on each other. She was an adult. She could handle that. 

What she couldn't handle was. . .

"Rat baby!" Smooch, smooch.

"Moose, oh MoOOose!" 

the. . . 

"Did you miss me, my little Spooky Bear?"

"Every day, my beloved Skippy the Bush Kangaroo."

sickening, saccharine. . .

"Who's my baby? Who's my sexy killer? My favorite cuddly-wuddly thug?"

"Who's my favorite paranoid Foxy-woxy snuggle-poo?"

. . . baby talk that Mulder and Krycek had to engage in every time they saw each other again. Scully was glad that Mulder found love, but she wished that it didn't have to be so damn annoying. She took a breath and hoped that Mulder and Krycek were done with their sugary display. She was so wrong.

Mulder and Krycek had pushed all of the papers off of Mulder's desk, and managed to get up on the desk and curl up together. Krycek broke off his kiss and looked into his schmoopy's eyes. "You have the most beautiful hazel eyes, angel puff."

"And you have the most beautiful, um, eyes. Help me out here, I'm red-green color blind," Mulder replied.

"Green, Snagglepuss. Oh, I missed you Honey Bunches of Oats," Krycek sighed.

Scully gritted her teeth. At least they weren't doing--

"Oh schmoopy."

"Yes, schmoopy."

"You so schmoopy."

"I'm schmoopier."

"I'm even schmoopier."

"I'm schmoopiest."

\--that annoying schmoopy thing. Scully finally lost her cool.

"Listen, both of you are equally schmoopy, all right? Now can we please discuss this information that you have, Krycek?" she snapped. Mulder said to Krycek, "You're right, she does look like a squirrel when she's pissed off. Look, her tail's all bristly."

Krycek reluctantly separated from Mulder and handed a file to Scully.

"It's about Pendrell."

"Pendrell's dead, Krycek," said the impossibly red-haired agent.

"Did you actually see him die? Did you autopsy the body? How can you be sure, especially since you and Mulder were able to fake his suicide?" Krycek retorted.

"Yes, but we were able to keep up that charade for a very short period of time. It's been a year since Pendrell was shot."

Krycek opened the file that was in Scully's hands, and showed a picture of Pendrell. "Look at the picture. In the back there's an advertisement for Babylon 5 on TNT. When Pendrell 'died', the show was still on hiatus."

At the mention of Babylon 5, Mulder shot a quick glance of anger at Krycek. He had never completely forgiven the rat for his practical joke. Mulder remembered how he had hassled the fan dressed as a Centauri, yelling at the poor soul for what his race did to the Narns. Krycek, sensing that Mulder was dangerously close to one of his "You killed my father, didn't you?!?" moments, walked over to Mulder and kissed him right on Mulder's most sensitive spot-- the Zen Mole on his right cheek. He then turned to Scully.

"Scully, Pendrell didn't die. The Consortium faked his death, kidnapped him, and are forcing him to work for them."

"Why would they go to such lengths to have him work for them? I mean, he was good, but most of the time I went there because of his huge-ass crush on me," she answered.

"Why would they go to such lengths? Come on, this guy was able to determine that the chip in your neck was recording your brain waves, even though the thing wasn't remotely near your cerebral cortex, and the thing had already shorted out. That's damn good to me. Also, the Consortium knew about his crush on you and wanted to piss you off. Not nice people, those folks."

Scully read through the contents of the file, which detailed everything from how they faked his death to the flavor of pudding that Pendrell's captors served to him. Tapioca. That was Scully's favorite flavor too.

"We have to save him, Krycek," she said, getting the 'I'm going to save everyone even if I have to shoot them in the shoulder' look.

Mulder was bored of being excluded from the conversation, and asked, "So where is he being held?"

Krycek pointed out the letterhead on the Let's-Kidnap-Pendrell memo, "That's a place to start. Scully, you drive and Mulder and I will, uh, plan strategy in the back seat."

"Oh no, no, no. Every time I drive the car, you drive into Mulder, or vice-versa. I'm tired of being treated to a porn film whenever we get together. You know, there was a time when I didn't know what Astroglide was for. When I thought that a man's prostate was just a part of the body that could get cancer. I really miss those days of ignorance," Scully said, more than a little upset. 

"Scully, aren't you being a little homophobic? We have to see you straights together all the time, but if a couple of guys want to be affectionate, it's sick," Mulder said, interlacing his fingers with Krycek's to make his point.

"I don't mind a little affection, but you guys are having sex in front of me! I've never done that in your presence. Of course, I haven't had sex in the last five years except for that psycho guy and I always thought that his tattoo was watching," she said, a bit lost in her reverie.

She regained her thoughts and said firmly, "I mean it. This time Mulder drives, I'm riding shotgun, and Krycek is in the back, and remember Mulder, I can shoot the other shoulder anytime." 

Scully ignored Mulder and Krycek's protests and whines, and walked to the car, keys in her hand.

\-------------------------------------------------------

In retrospect, Scully's decision wasn't the wisest. Krycek kept on leaning forward, kissing Mulder's neck and ruffling his hair. The green-eyed rat's actions were making Mulder drive erratically, and the moose didn't have decent driving skills on a good day. Scully often wondered how he ever kept his license. Maybe he threatened the DMV employees with his gun.

"Oh, God Mulder, watch out for the truck!"

"Mulder, you're going down a one-way street the WRONG way!

"Mulder, that was an old woman, you maniac!"

Finally, Mulder stopped at a traffic light. A white-knuckled Scully breathed a prayer of thanks to Jesus, Mary, Saint Joseph, Saint Anne, Saint Christopher, Saint Jude, Saint Patrick, Saint Brigid, and Saint Columcille. She didn't know why he decided to stop at this light when he had ignored at least ten others, but she didn't want to question why and jinx the whole thing.

She used the calm moment as an opportunity to chastise Krycek, "What the hell is wrong with you, Krycek? You know that Mulder is a horrible driver, especially when you're licking his neck!"

Krycek was not listening to her. He had detached his prosthetic left arm, and jabbed it at her. 

"Look, it's my evil, disembodied, bloody arm! Aaaaaah!"

Scully was not amused, and gave one of her famous patented-in-50-states looks.

Krycek stopped bothering Scully, and used the arm to tousle Mulder's hair. 

Mulder took the arm and wrapped the hand around his own neck.

"Look, it's choking me! Aaaargh! Help me! Oooh, *this* has possibilities," Mulder's face got a particularly suggestive leer, which Krycek could see in the mirror that was positioned to capture Mulder's lovely hazel eyes rather than to detect other cars.

Krycek suddenly opened his door, hurled himself against the driver side door, and opened it, cheerfully shouting, "RUSSIAN FIRE DRILL!" and pulled Mulder out of the car and into the back seat. Scully started to shout at Mulder to get back in the driver seat, but the light changed to green, and she had to scoot over to the wheel. She didn't even have a chance to adjust the seat before she heard the honking horn behind her.

"Ah, blow it out your ass!" she shouted, and stepped on the gas pedal, which wasn't easy, considering the vast difference in leg length between her and Mulder. She kept the car going at a steady pace of 70, which was a lot slower than Mulder had been going. She glanced at the mirror to see if the car behind her was tailgating her, and saw Mulder and Krycek furiously stripping each other. She adjusted the mirror and willed herself not to look back. It wasn't as if they were doing something she hadn't seen a hundred times already.

She heard Krycek growl, "Here's my evil, disembodied, bloody arm, Moosey-woosey." Mulder gasped loudly and murmured, "Oooh, you dirty rat." She heard the sound of a tube of lubricant being opened, and idly wondered if it was KY Jelly or Astroglide, and then decided to think of happier things, like abductions and nose-bleeding cancer.

\-------------------------------------------------------

They reached the top-secret research center that was listed on the letterhead of the memo, and sure enough, there was a large sign with the name TOP SECRET RESEARCH CENTER written in block letters. Scully wondered if it was a trap, or if the Consortium had become very lazy in the last year. "Geez, they're not even trying to cover it up. I feel really insulted," said Mulder. His voice was rather raspy, since his tryst with Krycek and Krycek's arm had resulted in him accidentally going into respiratory arrest. Scully had given up on CPR after about 15 seconds, but fortunately Krycek kept on giving him mouth-to-mouth. Either Krycek was trying to save Mulder's life, or he was looking for some necrophilic nookie.

"Moose, honey, are you OK?" Krycek asked, having reverted to his your-partner-got-kidnapped-is-there-anything-I-can-do-for-you-wink-wink mode.

"Well, Mulder wouldn't be in this state if you guys hadn't played your little auto-erotic asphyxiation games," Scully pointed out. She was exhausted from giving Mulder a full 15 seconds of CPR, as well as from the harrowing car ride/ordeal on the way over. She ran a hand through her hair, and discovered a couple of silver strands that must have developed during the ride.

"It wasn't *auto* erotic, Scully," Krycek pointed out, continuing to nurture Mulder. "How are you, my little sex muffin?"

"Well, a little kissy-wissy would make me feel much better," replied Mulder.

"Guys, we're supposed to rescue Pendrell, remember?" Scully was getting impatient again, and meaningfully stroked her gun while glaring at Mulder and Krycek.

"Fine, we'll rescue Lab Boy," Krycek said, and reluctantly disentangled himself from Mulder. 

They snuck up to the front door of the place, and overpowered the guard, which was rather easy since the guy was asleep anyway. They found that the door was locked, but Krycek had the brilliant idea of looking for a key under the door mat, which spelled out the message "Wipe your feet, please--and abandon all hope, ye who enter here." They continued in the research facility, amazed at the lack of security. 

"They really aren't trying anymore," repeated Mulder again. "Where are the security guards? The thugs?-- no offense Alex--The MIBs? Maybe there was a wide-scale alien abduction." 

Scully observed the time clock by the employee's lounge. "Or maybe it's just after quitting time. It's 5 p.m. Unless if a night crew comes on, we should have enough time to get to Pendrell." 

"We should split up to look for him. Mulder and I will go that way," Krycek suggested, randomly pointing in a general direction. 

"I don't know. How can I be sure that you guys will actually look for him and not go off and boff each other's brains out?" she asked. 

  
Krycek tried his best to look innocent. "Have you ever known me to lie, Scully? I'm a boy scout." 

Scully was not convinced. "There aren't any boy scouts in Russia. Mulder, can I trust you?" 

Mulder tried his best to look innocent. "Have you ever known *me* to lie?" 

Scully rolled her eyes. She couldn't trust either of them, but they were wasting time when they could be finding Pendrell. "Ok, guys, I'll head down this hallway, and if you want to join me, you're wel-" She looked back and saw Mulder and Krycek running down the other hall, snickering like horny teenagers. <Oh well,> she thought, and walked down the hall. 

She passed several doors with names like Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis Presley, Rick Springfield, and New Coke written on them. None of the name plates said Pendrell, but she checked inside just to be sure. 

"Agent Pendrell? Oh, sorry." 

"Agent Pendrell? Oh, sorry." 

"Agent Pendrell? Oh, sorry. I really liked 'Jessie's Girl'." 

She continued, checking the rooms of Jim Morrison, Marilyn Monroe, and Debbie Gibson. No Pendrell. She was starting to get really depressed.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Mulder and Krycek skipped down the hall, singing, "I like you, you like me, ho-mo-sex-u-al-i-ty." They stopped by a door that had the name plate

Reticulan Aliens, and kissed. 

"Oooh, top secret research facilities make me so hot," murmured Mulder, starting to strip off Krycek's cool leather jacket. They pulled each other onto the floor, unaware that someone was watching them. 

The nameless security guard/Consortium thug was not a violent man by nature. He wanted a job that had good pay and benefits, and this job gave him both. He was a bit upset that his job required him to make use of his health insurance (he had premium coverage-- no HMO crap), especially in emergency rooms. Overall, though, the job was pretty darn good, and being privy to every major government conspiracy was just icing on the proverbial cake. 

The guard looked at the two men who were caught up in their passion. During the rare moments when their faces were visible, he was able to recognize them as Agent Mulder and former Agent and Rat Krycek. The notes he was given on the men said that they were delusional, paranoid, and dangerous. What the notes didn't say was that they were contortionists. 

He spoke up, pointing his gun at them, "Just what the hell are you doing here?" 

Krycek reacted quickly, pulling his gun from his discarded pants and shooting the guard twice. 

The guard's last thoughts were <Oh, fuck, I should've gone into accounting>, and he died. 

"Cheese and rice, Alex, you didn't have to kill him!" protested Mulder. 

Krycek cooly replied, "He was interrupting our little fun here. I got pissed." He did the eyelash fluttering thing to calm and excite his lover. 

Mulder considered this, "Oh, ok my widdle wat." He and Krycek resumed their love-play, rolling around the floor until they bumped into another door, which had the name plate Agent (First Name Unknown) Pendrell. Mulder looked up at the name plate, and stopped the unnameable perversions that he was committing with his rat lover. 

"Hey, Moose, why did you stop?" 

"This is Pendrell's room. We ought to tell Scully and try to free him, or she'll have our asses." 

"If you don't continue what you were doing, *I'll* have your ass!" 

"Selfish, selfish. Anyways, you forget that she has her gun." 

"Oh, yeah." 

Mulder walked over to where the security guard/Consortium thug's body lay, which wasn't that easy since his pants and lovely black silk boxers were around his ankles. He dug in the dead man's pockets, and produced a huge key ring. He walked over to the door and started to try each key in the door. Krycek watched Mulder's efforts with increasing passion. 

"Oh, Mulder, only you could make the pants-around-the-ankles-duck-walk look sexy," groaned Alex, and he pulled Mulder to the floor just as he found the right key for the door. Mulder reached up, unlocked the door, and returned his attention to Krycek, who was mumbling something about unlocking Mulder's door. 

Pendrell heard the door unlock, and waited for it to open, undoubtedly revealing a Consortium thug with dinner and a new assignment. His existence wasn't that bad. No one beat him, he got three squares a day, and had fascinating lab assignments. The only problem was that he couldn't see his beloved Agent Dana Scully. He convinced one of the guards to get him a little stuffed toy squirrel. The guard didn't understand why, but it reminded Pendrell of Scully. He liked to hold the squirrel and sing songs, usually with lyrics like "I love, love, love,/Dana, Dana, Dana/with the lovely, lovely red hair. . ." It was a poor substitute for Scully, but when Pendrell squinted at the toy, it seemed to have Scully's trademarked rolling eyes and raised eyebrows. Sometimes he held the squirrel and cried quietly into his pillow. When several minutes passed without anything happening, Pendrell picked up the squirrel and opened the door. He found Agent Mulder and some ex-agent whose name he never really caught having very explicit sex. If Pendrell were gay, this would have had some major educational appeal, as Mulder and Krycek were very athletic and limber. Since Pendrell wasn't gay, it just had the result of making him wonder what the hell was going on. 

"Mulder, um, what are you doing here?" asked Pendrell, clutching the squirrel. 

Mulder looked up at the confused and scared agent, "Pendrell, it's great to see you. We were looking for you all this time. Well, not all the time, but it's great, you're ok and ready to escape." 

"Uh-huh," replied a shell-shocked Pendrell. He noticed the corpse in the corner, "Hey, you guys didn't kill him did you? He was pretty nice. Got this for me," he said, indicating his toy. 

"He did it," replied Mulder, pointing to Krycek, his breath getting short. Krycek's mouth was already occupied, so he batted his eyelashes at Pendrell, which earned him a smack from Mulder. Pendrell wasn't watching Krycek anyway; his attention was diverted to-- 

"SCULLY!!!!!" he shouted with rhapsodic joy. 

Scully ran over to Pendrell, wrapped her arms tightly around Pendrell, and lifted him a couple of inches off the floor in the process of hugging him. Pendrell hugged her back just as tightly. 

"I never thought I'd see you again," they both murmured at the same time.

Mulder broke the tender moment by screaming, "Oh, RaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaat BooOOOOoooy!" He looked at Pendrell and Scully, who had very perturbed looks on their faces. "Sorry guys, Krycek and I were trying to be quiet, but..." 

 <So that's his name, Krycek. Why did I think that it was Skippy?> wondered Pendrell. Ah well, he didn't care as long as he was with Scully. 

They waited for Mulder and Krycek to get dressed, and the three agents plus one ex-agent walked down the hall. Mulder was momentarily distracted by a door with the name plate Every Consortium Secret That Mulder Wants To Know, but the other three forced him to continue walking. 

"But, I wanna know every secret that they've been keeping from me," whined Mulder. 

"It's nothing major, Mulder," replied Krycek. 

"How do you know? I want answers." 

"Ok, Mulder, I have the answer. It's 42. Now can we get going?" 

"What does my apartment number have to do with anything?" 

As Mulder and Krycek continued their discussion, Scully noticed the stuffed animal in Pendrell's arms. "Why do you have that?" 

"It reminded me of you," he said, looking a little bashful. 

"Funny, you're the second person today to observe that. But when you say it, it sounds nice," she said, giving Pendrell a kiss on his cheek. 

As was becoming a habit, Mulder and Krycek interrupted Scully and Pendrell. "Guess what, Krycek and I have decided to go on vacation to Tunguska next week. It'll be an anniversary of sorts," said Mulder. 

"Why Tunguska? It was so dangerous. Why not go to some nice place like Niagra or Hawaii?" asked Scully. Sometimes she could not figure these guys out. 

"But that would be boring. Anyways, Mulder and I have a running bet on who loses a body part next time," replied Krycek. 

"I always wanted a peg leg," added Mulder. 

Scully held up her hand to halt the conversation. She strained her ears until she could hear the sound of a time clock being repeatedly punched in succession. 

"Oh shit, it's the evening crew, we better book now!" she shouted, and they ran down the hall.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Mulder, Scully, Krycek, and Pendrell made it to the car without being seen by the various workers/Consortium thugs, which completely surprised them. Mulder kept on repeating, "I can't believe they've gotten so sloppy. I feel so insulted." 

"Mulder, not everything is about you," snapped Scully. Her mood quickly softened when Pendrell reached out and gently took her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. She and Pendrell jumped in the back seat before Mulder and Krycek could. The two men started to protest, but stopped when they saw a cafeteria worker/Consortium thug running towards them with an eggbeater. Krycek drew his gun, but Mulder stopped him. 

"Come on, honey bunny boo. Only one kill a day, remember our agreement?"

Krycek reluctantly lowered his gun, and quickly jumped in the passenger seat while Mulder took the wheel. For once, Mulder's tendency to speed was fortunate. The car peeled out quickly, swerving to avoid the bewildered thug, who just wanted to know if Pendrell and the three strangers might consider staying for dinner. 

Mulder continued to speed, even though they were clearly safe. He wondered why Scully wasn't doing her usual bitch about his driving skills, and looked back. He was shocked to see Pendrell and Scully kissing passionately and ripping off each other's clothing. 

"Scully, Pendrell, get a room will ya? Krycek and I don't want to see you guys getting off in the back seat! Sheesh!" 

Scully finished biting off the buttons of Pendrell's shirt, and grinned at Mulder, "Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" 

Krycek curled his lip in disgust, "It's so disgusting, how those people carry on. If they want their alternative lifestyle, that's ok, but to rub it in our faces, sick." 

A red stuffed squirrel came flying from the back seat and bonked Krycek right on his head. 

"Ow." 

THE END


End file.
